Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
3 2 1 whiskey
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
