New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
