Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
