Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
