As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
