Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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