maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
