I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
A+ Viking dick
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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