I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm bleeding and have questions
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
