i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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