I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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