I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Two words: nipple clamps
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