Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
