yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
