yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize