I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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