My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the liver wants what the liver wants
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
