I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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