guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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