well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
