Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
