The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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