this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
