OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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