We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
