we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
