phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
