I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
