dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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