I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
