If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
