Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
