My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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