I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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