Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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