My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Life is so much better after having sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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