Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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