If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
