3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
