my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
