My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
