i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
