You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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