Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
