its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
