What did we do last night that was yellow?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
whose parrot is this?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
