Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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