She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
