Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
