Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
