Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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