i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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